WEIRDNUZ.M215 (News of the Weird, May 22, 2011)
by Chuck Shepherd

Copyright 2011 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Lead Story

* Tonya McDowell, 33, an off-and-on homeless person in
Bridgeport, Conn., was arrested in April by police in nearby
Norwalk and charged with felony theft--of $15,686 worth of
"services" from the city.  McDowell's crime was enrolling her 6-
year-old son in Norwalk's Brookside Elementary School when she
actually "resided" (as much as a mostly "homeless" person can
"reside") in Bridgeport.  McDowell has also "resided" at times in a
Norwalk shelter but was crashing at a friend's apartment in
Bridgeport when she registered her son.  The head of the Norwalk
Board of Education acknowledged that the usual consequence for an
unqualified student is merely dismissal from school. [Stamford
Advocate, 4-16-2011]

The Continuing Crisis

* In March, jurors in New Orleans convicted Isaiah Doyle of a 2005
murder and were listening to evidence in the penalty phase of the
trial when Doyle decided to take the witness stand (as defendants
sometimes do in a desperate attempt to avoid the death penalty).
However, Doyle said to the jurors, "If I had an AK-47, I'd kill every
last one of ya'all with no remorse."  (The jury recommended the
needle.)  [WWL-TV (New Orleans), 3-25-2011]

* The Montana House of Representatives passed a tough drunk-
driving bill in March to combat the state's high DUI rate, but it
came over the objection of Rep. Alan Hale (and later, Sen. Jonathan
Windy Boy).  Hale, who owns a bar in Basin, Mont., complained
that tough DUI laws "are destroying small businesses" and
"destroying a way of life that has been in Montana for years and
years."  (Until 2005, drinking while driving was common and legal
outside of towns as long as the driver wasn't drunk.)  Furthermore,
Hale said, people need to drive home after they drink.  "[T]hey are
not going to hitchhike."  Sen. Windy Boy said such laws put the
legislature on "the path of criminalizing everyone in Montana."
[Billings Gazette-AP, 4-1-2011]

* Why Unions Are Unpopular:  The police officers' union in
Scranton, Pa., filed a state unfair labor practice complaint in April
against Chief Dan Duffy because he arrested a man whom he caught
violating a warrant and possessing marijuana.  According to the
union contract, only union members can "apprehend and arrest"
lawbreakers, and since the chief is "management," he should have
called an officer to make the arrest.  The union president suggested
that, with layoffs threatened, the chief doesn't need to be taking
work away from officers.  [Times-Tribune (Scranton), 4-19-2011]

* Conventional academic wisdom is that the death penalty is not an
effective deterrent to homicide, but according to accused murderer
Dmitry Smirnov, it deterred him from killing Ms. Jitka Vesel in
Oak Brook, Ill.--until March, that is, when Illinois's death penalty
was repealed.  Prosecutors said Smirnov, from Surrey, British
Columbia, told them he decided to come to Illinois and kill Vesel
(in cold blood, over an online relationship gone bad) only after
learning through Internet research that the state no longer had
capital punishment.  [Chicago Sun-Times, 4-15-2011]

Cavalcade of Rednecks

* (1) Shelly Waddell, 36, was cited by police in February in
Waterville, Maine, after "a couple of" drivers reported seeing two
children riding on the roof of the van she was driving early one
morning.  Waddell told police she was in fact delivering newspapers
to customers but denied that the kids were on the roof.  (2) At the
Niceville, Fla., Christmas parade on December 4th, a municipal
employee was arrested when he stepped up onto a city truck that
was part of the parade and challenged the driver (who apparently
was a colleague).  The employee accused the driver of "taking [my]
overtime" hours for the previous two years and ordered him out of
the truck so he could "whip your ass."  (The employee was charged
with disorderly intoxication.) [WMTW-TV (Portland, Maine)-AP,
2-24-2011] [Northwest Florida Daily News, 12-10-2010]

Bright Ideas

* Louis "Shovelhead" Garrett is an artist, a mannequin collector,
and a quilter in the eastern Missouri town of Louisiana, with a
specialty in sewing quilts from women's panties, according to a
report in the Hannibal Courier-Post.  After showing his latest quilt
at a women's luncheon in Hannibal in March, he told the newspaper
of his high standards:  "No polyester.  I don't want those cheap,
dollar-store, not-sexy, farm-girl panties.  I want classy--silk or
nylon." [Hannibal Courier-Post, 3-24-2011]

Oops!

* Arifinito (he goes by one name), a member of the Indonesian
parliament, resigned in April after a news photographer in the
gallery zoomed in on the tablet computer he was watching to
capture him surfing Internet pornography sites.  Arifinito's
conservative Islamic Prosperous Justice Party campaigned for a
tough anti-pornography law in 2008 (which the photographer's video
shows Arifinito likely violating). [AlJazeera.net, 4-11-2011]

* Wheeee!  (1) In March, in Pierce County, Wash., a sewer worker,
37, came loose from a safety line and slid about 3,000 feet through a
6-foot-diameter sewer pipe at the Chambers Creek Wastewater
Treatment Plant.  He "could have drowned," according to one
rescuer, but he was taken to a hospital with "minor injuries."  (2)
Firefighters in Gilbert, Ariz., rescued Eugene Gimzelberg, 32, in
March after he had climbed down a 40-foot sewer hole--naked.
Gimzelberg said he had smoked PCP and marijuana and consumed
hallucinogenic mushrooms.  He was hospitalized in critical
condition. [Tacoma News-Tribune, 3-21-2011] [Arizona Republic,
3-3-2011]

Chutzpah!

* Jacob Barnett, 12, an Asperger's-syndrome-fueled math genius
who maxed out on the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children and
is now enrolled at IUPUI (Indiana University-Purdue University
Indianapolis), told an Indianapolis Star reporter in March that his
next project is about proving the Big Bang theory all wrong.  But if
not the Big Bang, asked the reporter, how do we exist?  Said Jacob,
"I'm still working on it."  "I have an idea, but . . . I'm still working
out the details."  (Hint:  Jacob's major point of skepticism is that the
Big Bang doesn't account neatly for carbon.)  Said his (biological)
mother, Kristine Barnett, 36, "I flunked math.  I know this did not
come from me."  [Indianapolis Star, 3-20-2011]

* Overreaching:  (1) In April, Texas state Rep. John Davis of
Houston proposed a tax break--aimed at buyers of yachts valued at
more than a quarter-million dollars.  Davis promised more yacht
sales and, through a ripple effect, more jobs if Texas capped the
sales tax on yachts at the amount due on a $250,000 vessel--a break
of almost $16,000 on a $500,000 boat.  (2) Adam Yarbrough, 22,
ticketed by a female police officer in Indianapolis in March after he
was observed swerving in and out of traffic on an Interstate
highway, allegedly compounded the problem first by offering the
cop "five dollars" to "get rid of this ticket" and then by "[H]ow
about I give you a kiss?"  Felony bribery charges were filed.  (Bonus
Fact:  Yarbrough was riding a moped.)  [San Antonio Express-
News, 4-24-2011] [Indianapolis Star, 3-14-2011]

Least Competent Criminals

*  Marissa Mark, 28, was indicted in March in Allentown, Pa., for
hiring a hit man in 2006 via the then-active website
HitManForHire.com, agreeing to pay $37,000 to have a California
woman killed (though prosecutors have not revealed the motive).
Mark allegedly made traceable payments through the PayPal service
(which in recent years has righteously refused to process
transactions involving online gambling or the WikiLeaks document
dumps but which in 2006 did in fact handle payments for
HitManForHire.com).  The hit man site was run by an Egyptian
immigrant, who told the Las Vegas Sun in 2008 that he would never
contract for murder but sought to make money by double-crossing
clients and alerting (for a fee) the intended victims. [Allentown
Morning Call, 3-22-2011; Las Vegas Sun, 7-20-2008]

A News of the Weird Classic (October 1992)

* The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese
restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August [1992] for
various violations.  The most serious, said officials, was the
restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in
cloth laundry bags, placing the bags between two pieces of plywood
in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.  Said Health
Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now." [Brewster Oracle,
8-21-92]

    Thanks This Week to Chris Schulman and Michael
Bellesiles and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial
Advisors.

                 * * * * *
    Are you ready for News of the Weird / Pro Edition?  See it every
Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.  Other handy
addresses:  WeirdNews at earthlink dot net,
http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL
33679.

-

WEIRDNUZ.M204 (News of the Weird, March 6, 2011)
by Chuck Shepherd

Copyright 2011 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Lead Story

* Tombstone, Ariz., which was the site of the legendary 1881
"Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" (made into a 1957 movie), is about 70
miles from the Tucson shopping center where a U.S.
Congresswoman, a federal judge, and others were shot in January.
A Los Angeles Times dispatch later that month noted that the "Wild
West" of 1881 Tombstone had far stricter gun control than present-
day Arizona.  The historic gunfight occurred when the marshal
(Virgil Earp, brother of Wyatt) tried to enforce the town's no-carry
law against local thugs.  Today, however, with few restrictions and
no licenses required, virtually any Arizonan 18 or older can carry a
handgun openly, and those 21 or older can carry one concealed.
[Los Angeles Times, 1-23-2011]

Leading Economic Indicator

* The government of Romania, attempting both to make amends for
historical persecution of fortune-telling "witches" and to collect
more tax revenue, amended its labor law recently to legalize the
profession.  However, "queen witch" Bratara Buzea, apparently
speaking for many in the soothsaying business, told the Associated
Press in February that official recognition might make witches
legally responsible for future events that are beyond their control.
Already, witches are said to be fighting back against the government
with curses--hurling poisonous mandrake plants into the Danube
River and casting a special spell involving cat dung and a dead dog.
[BBC News 1-6-2011; USA Today-AP, 2-8-2011] [UPDATE:  The
government backed down!  (Agence France-Presse, 3-1-2011)]

Compelling Explanations

* British loyalist Michael Stone still claims it was all a
misunderstanding--that he did not intend to assassinate Irish
Republican Army political leaders in 2006, despite being arrested at
the Northern Ireland legislature carrying knives, an axe, a garotte,
and a bag of explosives that included flammable liquids, gas
canisters, and fuses.  He was later convicted, based on his having
detonated one explosive in the foyer and then carrying the other
devices into the hall to confront the leaders, but he continued to
insist that he was merely engaged in "performance art."  (In January
2011, the Northern Ireland court of appeal rejected his claim.) [The
Guardian (London), 1-6-2011]

* Phyllis Stevens, 59, said she had no idea she had embezzled
nearly $6 million until her employer, Aviva USA, of Des Moines,
Iowa, showed her the evidence.  She said it must have been done by
the "hundreds" of personalities created by her dissociative identity
disorder (including "Robin," who was caught trying to spend
Stevens's remaining money in Las Vegas just hours after the
showdown with Aviva).  Stevens and her spouse had been spending
lavishly, buying properties, and contributing generously to political
causes.  As the "core person," Stevens said she will accept
responsibility but asked a federal judge for leniency.  (The
prosecutor said Stevens is simply a thief.) [Des Moines Register, 1-
21-2011] [UPDATE:  Six years in prison. (WOI-TV (Des Moines),
2-22-2011)]

* Thomas Walkley, a lawyer from Norton, Ohio, was charged in
January with indecent exposure for pulling his pants down in front
of two 19-year-old males, but Walkley said he was merely
"mentoring" at-risk boys.  He said it is a technique he had used with
other troubled youths, especially the most difficult cases, by getting
them "to think differently."  Said Walkley, "Radical times call for
radical measures." [American Bar Association Journal, 1-18-2011]

Ironies

* U.S. News & World Report magazine, and the National Council
on Teacher Quality, announced plans recently to issue grades (A, B,
C, D, and F) on how well each of the U.S.'s 1,000-plus teachers'
colleges develop future educators, but the teachers of teachers
appear to be sharply opposed to the very idea of being issued
"grades."  The project's supporters cited school principals'
complaints about the quality of teachers applying for jobs, but the
teachers' college representatives criticized the project's measurement
criteria as overly simplistic. [New York Times, 2-9-2011]

* Police were out in force in September as schools opened in
Toronto, writing 25 school-zone-speeding tickets in the first two
hours.  One of the 25 was issued to the driver of a school bus,
caught speeding through a school zone trying to avoid being late at
a pickup point further down the road. [CTV News (Toronto), 2-7-
2010]

The Litigious Society

* Paul Mason, 50, an ex-letter-carrier in Ipswich, England, told
reporters in January he would file a lawsuit against Britain's
National Health Service for negligence--because it allowed him to
"grow" in recent years to a weight of nearly 900 pounds.  Mason
said he "begged" for NHS's help in 1996 when he weighed 420 but
was merely told to "ride your bike more."  Last year, he was finally
allowed gastric surgery, which reduced him to his current 518.  At
his heaviest, Mason estimates he was consuming 20,000 calories a
day. [The Sun (London), 1-7-2011]

Update

* Life is improving for some Burmese Kayan women who, fleeing
regular assaults by soldiers of the military government of Myanmar,
become valuable exhibits at tourist attractions in neighboring
Thailand--because of their tribal custom of wearing heavy metal
rings around their necks from an early age.  The metal stacks weigh
11 pounds or more and depress girls' clavicles, giving them the
appearance of elongated necks, which the tribe (and many tourists)
regard as exotic.  While human rights activists heap scorn on these
Thai "human zoos" of ring-necked women, a  Nacogdoches, Tex.,
poultry plant recently began offering some of the women a more
attractive choice--lose the rings and come work in Texas, de-boning
chickens. [Global Post, 1-31-2011] [KTRE-TV (Nacogdoches), 1-
12-2011]

People With Issues

* Although police in Mount Vernon, Ohio, aren't sure of the motive,
they know (according to records made public in February) that the
murderer-kidnaper Matthew Hoffman was arrested in November in
a living room piled three feet high with leaves and a bathroom
containing 110 bags of leaves attached to the walls.  Hoffman, an
unemployed tree-trimmer, later confessed to the kidnap and rape of
a 13-year-old girl (whom he kept in a basement on a pallet of
leaves) and had stuffed the bodies of his three murder victims in a
hollow tree.  An expert on serial killers told ABC News that trees
might have given Hoffman comfort, but police haven't discounted
that the leaves were there merely to help him later torch the house.
[Columbus Dispatch, 2-9-2011]

Least Competent Criminals

* Not Ready For Prime Time:  (1) Jose Demartinez, 35, was
hospitalized in Manchester, N.H., in January.  With police in
pursuit, he had climbed out a hotel window using tied-together bed
sheets, but they came undone, and he fell four stories.  (2) Detected
burglarizing a house in Summerfield, Fla., in January, Laird Butler
fled through a window but not from police.  The homeowner's dog
had frightened Butler, who crashed through the glass, cut himself
badly, and bled to death in a neighbor's yard.  (3) Kevin Funderburk,
25, was charged with sexual assault of a 71-year-old woman in her
Hutchinson, Kan., home in December.  By the time his mug shot
was taken, he was in a neck brace--from the victim's frying-pan-
swinging defense. [WMUR-TV (Manchester), 1-10-2011] [WESH-
TV (Orlando), 1-5-2011] [Hutchinson News, 12-15-2010]

Recurring Themes

* (1) During an early-January freeze, an 8-year-old boy, standing
across the street from Woodward (Okla.) Middle School, apparently
fell for the traditional dare from his brother and licked a metal pole.
He had to wait on his tiptoes for emergency responders to come
unstick him.  (2) In January, John Finch, 44, of Wilmington, Del.,
became the latest alleged burglar to break in (through a window)
and be unable either to climb back out or figure out the automatic
locks on the doors (and thus be forced to call 911 on himself to be
rescued). [Grand Forks Herald (Grand Forks, N.D.)-AP, 1-12-2011]
[WCAU-TV (Philadelphia), 1-7-2011]

A News of the Weird Classic (July 1996)

* The Wall Street Journal reported in March [1996] that New York
City photographer (and former Electrolux vacuum cleaner
salesman) Eugene Calamari Jr. is a part-time artist who lies on the
floor and lets people vacuum him with an upright cleaner, after
which he asks the vacuumers to please write down their feelings.
According to Calamari, "A lot of people use each other and step on
each other's rights."  The theme he intends to convey, he said, is "I
won't let anyone do this to me." [Wall Street Journal, 3-27-1996]

    Thanks This Week to David Stephenson, Sandy Pearlman,
Paul Evans, Chuck Gardner, Alex Hooke, and Brian Taylor, and to
News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

                 * * * * *
    Are you ready for News of the Weird / Pro Edition?  See it every
Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.  Other handy
addresses:  WeirdNews at earthlink dot net,
http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL
33679.

Copyright 2010 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Lead Story

* It's clear, based on a May Time magazine dispatch, that Norway's
felons and miscreants are of a superior class than America's.  When
Norway's brand-new Halden prison opened in April, the country's
King Harald V headlined a glitzy gala that celebrated what has been
called the world's "most humane" lockup.  Among the facilities:  a
sound studio, jogging trails, a guest house for inmates' visitors, and
a scrumptious-smelling "kitchen laboratory" where murderers and
bandits can learn to cook.  Guards are unarmed (half are women)
and intermingle with the rapists, drug dealers, and others, dining
with them and joining them in intramural sports.  The recidivist rate
for Norwegian prisoners in general is only 20 percent (versus 50-60
percent in the United States), but it is still early to tell whether
Halden's prisoners will find life behind bars so pleasant that they
don't mind risking another stretch there by returning to crime.
[Time, 5-10-10]

Leading Economic Indicators

* Cutting-Edge Products:  (1) A Portland, Ore., inventor recently
began offering a colorful patch designed to cover the area just below
a dog's tail.  The "Rear Gear" is featured on the handmade-crafts'
site, Etsy.com.  (2) Tyrone Henry and Fermin Esson, of Opa Locka,
Fla., near Miami, told reporters they were recently granted a patent
for "saggy pants" that they say will satisfy young men's street-
fashion sense yet not run afoul of municipal laws around the country
banning exposed underwear. [Portland Mercury, 3-29-10] [WCBS-
TV-WFOR-TV (Miami), 2-1-10]

* Federal Reserve, Securities and Exchange Commission, On Edge:
Last November, the government of North Korea made an ultimately
disastrous decision to radically devalue its currency, overnight
making 100 North Korean won worth 1 North Korean won, and the
country's citizens (as well as, reportedly, the Dear Leader himself)
were not pleased.  Three months later, without much fanfare, came
the official announcement that the government's (i.e., the Workers'
Party's) chief finance minister, Pak Nam-gi, had been executed by
firing squad. [The Guardian (London), 3-18-10]

* In May, the German manufacturer Ex Oriente Lux AG set up its
"Gold To Go" vending machine in the lobby of Abu Dhabi's
Emirates Palace Hotel, offering gold coins and one-, five-, and ten-
gram bars of gold, based on the current world price at the time of
the transaction. [Agence France-Presse, 5-13-10]

Transcendent Science

* Intelligent Design:  Among the new species first reported this year
are a "nose" leech, a "Dracula" fish, a "psychedelic" frogfish, and a
"bombardier" worm, according to scientists at the University of
Arizona and medical school researchers Lima, Peru.  The Peru-
based leech, which is fanged and probably has been around since
the time of dinosaurs, prefers nasal mucus as a habitat.  The
"Dracula" fish of Myanmar, with "canine-like fangs," has an
extraordinarily flexible mouth.  The multi-colored frogfish has
apparently adapted to live among the colorful, venomous coral off
Bali, Indonesia.  The "bombardier" worm, found in California's
Monterey Bay, releases glow-in-the-dark projectiles when
threatened. [Discovery Channel-MSNBC, 4-15-10;
LiveScience.com, 5-23-10]

* Until recently, researchers were certain that at least one ability
separated humans from higher-functioning apes:  the creation and
use of tools for sex.  However, primatologists writing in a recent
issue of Science described a male chimpanzee's repetitive use of a
dried leaf in the same way that a male human of a certain class
might employ a fast car.  In the presence of a female chimp, the
male carefully crinkles the leaf until she--seemingly accustomed to
such leaf-crinkling--notices the male, along with his generous
erection, and may then choose to join him. [New York Times, 5-4-
10]

* Too Much Information:  British and Australian researchers,
writing in a journal article in March, concluded that the world's
strongest insect (relative to body weight) is the male dung beetle,
which can lift more than 1,100 times its weight (equivalent for an
average male human:  80 tons).  Since the beetles mate inside dung
patties, their every move is a struggle against the resistance posed
by the feces. (On the other hand, the researchers also found weaker
dung beetles that mated just fine--helped not by their strength but by
unusually large testicles.)  [Agence France-Presse, 3-24-10]

* Sounds Like a Joke:  University of Michigan computer engineer
Wei Lu revealed in April that he and colleagues were working on a
new supercomputer design that is a radical departure from current
computer architecture.  Wei Lu's design breakthrough (which has
piqued the interest of the Pentagon's DARPA think-tankers) is to
model the operating system like the brain of a cat, he said, even
though his supercomputer could never actually outperform the cat's
brain.  [New York Daily News, 4-19-10]

The Aristocrats!

* Last September, James Jones, 33, and a friend were issued
disorderly-conduct citations by police after witnesses reported that
the pair, inebriated, had placed their genitals on a vegetables'
weighing scale in a supermarket in Edinburgh, Scotland.  (They
were acquitted in April 2010 when the only witness admitted that
she only saw the men zipping up after claiming to have weighed
themselves.) [STV News (Edinburgh), 4-22-10]

* Fluids Festivals:  (1) A 44-year-old man was charged with battery
in Crestview, Fla., in April as a result of a fight with his girlfriend,
during which he pinched off one of his nostrils and blew mucus and
blood out of the other (with contents landing on her "face, chest,
arms, and pants").  (2) Madison, Wis., neighbors Nina Bell, 56, and
Arnessa Battles, 38, were cited for disorderly conduct in March in a
dispute over Battles's dog's winter-long output of droppings that had
just been revealed by melting snow.  According to the police report,
by the time an officer arrived on the scene, both of the women had
smeared each other's cars with large quantities of dog poop.
[Northwest Florida Daily News, 4-23-10] [Wisconsin State Journal,
3-9-10]

People Different From Us

* World-class sword-swallower Chayne Hultgre, 32, is a veteran of
such exhibitions as Scotland's Kamikaze Freakshow, as well as this
year's Psycho Sideshow in Australia, and he holds the Guinness
Book record by downing 18 swords simultaneously.  Part of his
skill, he told Sydney's Daily Telegraph in April, is learning to relax
his body, but he also credited his five-inch-longer-than-normal
stomach and his decision to implant a row of magnets along his
breastbone that he says ever-so-slightly diverts the metal swords
away from vital organs.  Reminiscing, Hultgren noted that once,
during a show's run in Belgium, an average of seven spectators a
night were fainting (known in the trade as "falling ovations").  What
does Hultgre's future hold?  "I've never had another job." [Daily
Telegraph (Sydney), 4-3-10]

Least Competent Criminals

* Not Ready for Prime-Time Crime:  (1) Jacob Collins, 28, was
arrested in April and charged with burglary of Matlack's Hometown
Pharmacy in Landisville, N.J., despite the fact that the medicine he
stole was probably by mistake.  Police said they were almost certain
Collins was after the painkiller "Oxycontin" but instead swiped a
supply of "Oxybutynin," which treats overactive bladder.  (2) On the
other hand, Sean Almond, 43, was charged on the same day as
Collins for allegedly robbing the Kangaroo Mart on Wilroy Road in
Suffolk, Va., and could have used some Oxybutynin.  Almond was
caught immediately after the robbery because his getaway was
delayed.  He was spotted in a nearby alley, where he had been
overcome by a sudden urge to relieve himself. [Press of Atlantic
City, 4-22-10] [Virginian-Pilot (Norfolk), 4-23-10]

A News of the Weird Classic (April 1995)

* In March [1995], after the president of the Puerto Rico House of
Representatives accused him of illegal drug use, Sen. Freddie
Valentin denied the charge and led reporters into a restroom in the
Capitol building in San Juan, where he yielded a urine sample that
he later submitted to the Senate leadership.  A TV cameraman shot
over Valentin's shoulder, and journalist Sonia Salgado's play-by-
play radio report ended, "I have just transmitted, for the first time
ever, a senator taking a pee before the media." [Austin American-
Statesman-AP, 3-18-95] .378

    Thanks This Week to Matt Rushing, Gerald Sacks, Sandy
Pearlman, Jim Kane, and Jon Doughtie, and to the News of the
Weird Senior Advisors and Board of Editorial Advisors.

Ode to the Disney Ducks

By Carl Barks

They ride tall ships to the far away,

and see the long ago.

They walk where fabled people trod,

and Yetis trod the snow.

They meet the folks who live on stars,

and find them much like us,

With food and love and happiness

the things they most discuss.

The world is full of clans and cults

abuzz as angry bees,

And Junior Woodchucks snapping jeers

at Littlest Chickadees.

The ducks show us that part of life

is to forgive a slight.

That black eyes given in revenge

keep hatred burning bright.

So when our walks in sun or shade

pass graveyards filled by wars,

It's nice to stop and read of ducks

whose battles leave no scars.

To read of ducks who parody

our vain attempts at glory,

They don't exist, but somehow leave

us glad we bought their story.

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.

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On This Day: Thursday April 29, 2010
This is the 119th day of the year, with 246 days remaining in 2010.

Fact of the Day: bubble gum

Walter Diemer was an accountant working for the Fleer Chewing Gum Co.
when he accidentally invented bubble gum in 1928. While experimenting
with different recipes during his spare time, he came up with a formula
that blew firm, dry bubbles and easily peeled off the face after
popping. The first batch of the bubble gum was colorless. Diemer added
some pink food coloring to the second batch because it was the only
color on hand. When "Double Bubble" was introduced later that year, the
pink coloring was kept. Most bubble gum today is still pink.

Holidays
Feast day of St. Catherine of Siena, St. Wilfrid the Younger, St. Hugh
of Cluny, St. Endellion, St. Joseph Cottolengo, St. Robert of Molesme,
and St. Peter the Martyr.

Japan: Greenery Day.

Events
1429 - Joan of Arc entered the besieged city of Orleans to lead a victory over
the English. 1813 - A patent for rubber was given to J.F. Hummel of Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania.

1852 - The first edition of Peter Roget's "Thesaurus" was published.

1854 - Ashmun Institute, the first college founded solely for African-American
students, was officially chartered.

1861 - Maryland voted against seceding from the Union. 1862 - New Orleans fell to Union forces during the Civil War. 1864 - Theta Xi, a fraternity, was founded -- in Troy, New York.

1913 - Swedish-born U.S. inventor Gideon Sundback patented the zipper.

1945 - American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp, the first
concentration camp established by the Nazi regime.

1945 - Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun and designated Admiral Karl Doenitz his
successor. Hitler killed himself the next day. 1946 - Twenty-eight former Japanese leaders were indicted as war criminals.

1992 - Four white policemen in Los Angeles were acquitted of beating Rodney
King, a black motorist, despite videotape evidence. 2003 - The Palestinian parliament approved Mahmoud Abbas as prime minister.

Births
1792 - Matthew Vassar, American, brewer, founder and namesake of Vassar
College.

1818 - Alexander II, Russian emperor (1855-81), emancipated the serfs in 1861.

1863 - William Randolph Hearst, American publishing magnate.

1899 - Duke (Edward Kennedy) Ellington, American jazz musician, bandleader.

1901 - Hirohito, Japan's longest reigning emperor (1926-1989).

1936 - Zubin Mehta, Indian-born American conductor, and son of Mehli Mehta,
founder of the Bombay Symphony.

1951 - Dale Earnhardt, stock car driver, with one of the most successful
careers in motorsports.

1954 - Jerry Seinfeld, American comedian and television celebrity.

1970 - Andre Agassi, professional tennis player.

Deaths
1980 - Alfred Hitchcock, English film director.

2008 - Albert Hofmann, a Swiss scientist best known for synthesizing lysergic
acid diethylamide (LSD).

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On This Day: Wednesday April 28, 2010
This is the 118th day of the year, with 247 days remaining in 2010.

Fact of the Day: ZIP code

The "ZIP" in ZIP Code stands for the Zone Improvement Plan. In 1963,
with a dramatic increase in mail volume, the United States Post Office
Department (now the United States Postal Service) introduced a
five-digit code to facilitate the sorting and delivery of mail by
taking advantage of new electronic machines. The first number in the
ZIP Code represents a general geographic area of the nation. The second
and third numbers represent regional areas. The fourth and fifth
numbers identify specific post office locations or postal zones. In
1983, with the introduction of even more efficient mail sorting
equipment, a new nine-digit code called the ZIP+4 Code was introduced.
The new code consisted of the original five digits followed by a hyphen
and four more digits. The sixth and seventh numbers identify a delivery
sector, which may consist of several blocks, a group of streets, a
group of post office boxes, several office buildings, a single
high-rise office building, a large apartment building, or a small
geographic area. The eighth and ninth numbers identify a delivery
segment, which might be one floor of an office building, one side of a
street between intersecting streets, specific departments in a firm, or
a group of post office boxes.

Holidays
Feast day of St. Louis de Montfort, St. Vitalis, St. Peter Mary Chanel,
St. Cyril of Turov, St. Valeria, St. Pollio, Saints Theodora and
Didymus, St. Pamphilus of Sulmona, and St. Cronan Roscrea.

Afghanistan: Islamic State's Victory Day (1992).

Events
1788 - Maryland became the seventh state to ratify the Constitution of the
United States of America. 1789 - The mutiny on the HMS Bounty occurred, as Fletcher Christian and the
crew of the British ship set Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors
adrift in a small open boat in the South Pacific.

1896 - The Addressograph was patented by J.S. Duncan of Sioux City, Iowa.

1919 - The League of Nations was founded.

1932 - A vaccine against yellow fever was announced.

1945 - Italian dictator Benito Mussolini and his mistress, Clara Petacci, were
executed as they attempted to flee the country. 1947 - Norwegian anthropologist Thor Heyerdahl and five others set out in a
balsa wood craft known as Kon Tiki to prove that Peruvian Indians could
have settled in Polynesia.

1952 - The war with Japan officially ended as a treaty that had been signed by
the United States and 47 other nations took effect. 1967 - Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was stripped of
his boxing title.

1969 - French President Charles de Gaulle resigned. 1987 - For the first time, a compact disc of an album was released before its
vinyl counterpart: "The Art of Excellence" by Tony Bennett.

1989 - The Occupational Safety and Health Act was passed.

1990 - The musical "A Chorus Line" closed after 6137 performances on Broadway. 1994 - Northwestern University announced the discovery of the gene that
controls the "biological clock" (circadian rhythm).

2001 - A Russian rocket took off with the first space tourist, California
businessman Dennis Tito, taking him and two cosmonauts to the
International Space Station.

Births
1442 - Edward IV, king of England (1461-1470, 1471-1483), first king of the
House of York.

1758 - James Monroe, 5th President of the United States of America
(1817-1825).

1878 - Lionel Barrymore, American actor.

1886 - Erich Salomon, German photographer, founder of photojournalism.

1916 - Ferruccio Lamborghini, Italian car manufacturer.

1950 - Jay Leno, American comedian, TV talk show host.

Deaths
1918 - Gavrilo Princip, Bosnian revolutionary assassin who caused World War I
by killing Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife.

1945 - Benito Mussolini, Italian prime minister and fascist dictator.

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.. After dinner, yoau are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?’

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.